Results

I have decided not to set certain weigh in days like once every week or two weeks on a specific day. Doing so added pressure and a race with myself that generally became toxic and counterproductive. Now I have decided to weigh in when I feel I should and when I feel confident about everything I have done. As a note, I do weigh myself at the same time of day though for the most accurate results. I was always told to weigh in in the morning just after waking up and using the restroom. So I do just that.

So this morning I woke up and decided to step on the scale. Yes I know... its only been a few days but you never know what might happen and I was feeling confident.  To my surprise I had lost already! How much you ask?... 3.2 Pounds! I have a feeling that since this is a lot for just three days its due to the water retention from drinking soda, which I have stopped doing and the fact that I do not feel bloated and full anymore now that the Gluten and Dairy have been removed from my diet and I am starting to see the results. It may be a fluke and I cant always loose that much in such a short amount of time but its a nice start to it all! It feels good to get results!

Inspiration and Goals

As I get older, I find that inspiration and support can come from many different places. Most likely the best of this comes from family and friends. There was a time when I found myself feeling very alone in the way I felt, battling with weight and dealing with issues that left me feeling sick a lot. My problem was that I kept it all inside and didn't talk a lot about it. After starting work to fix myself and feel good mentally I noticed that doors were opening and there were a lot of people in my life that could relate, be a support system and could provide tough love when needed but an understanding ear as well.

After receiving a message from a dear friend and family member, I have even more inspiration and a lot of new insight. Without even knowing it, i learned that she struggles with some of the same issues I do. She works hard and has found a lot of things that have helped her to be successful in her journey to a happier and healthier person. I took a lot of what she had to say to heart.  One of the things that stood out to me though was about setting goals. Up to this point I was setting large goals, looking at the fact that I needed to loose about 120 pounds. When I look at that number, it overwhelms me, frustrates me and makes me sad. I dwell on all of the negative things that brought me to this point. When that happens, I find myself being the victim, feeling sorry for myself and I revert back to things that helped to get me to this. Trying to meet a goal like that was self destructive and honestly a negative way took look at things. Instead of looking at the large long term picture, I am going to start small giving myself goals that are within reach and not so daunting. Eventually you set a new goal, and then another and another until finally they add up to the original large goal. So starting today, my new goal is 20 pounds. I am not going to even give myself a timeline. I just want to lose 20 pounds, which could translate to a loss of two sizes. (It's said that every 10 to 15 pounds is one size depending on the person). That is something I can be happy with and live with.

Therefore, in the corner of my blog you will see the weight banner change. Instead of the full goal, it will only be 20 pounds. As I set more goals, you will eventually be able to see the overall progress but for now, as once said by Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfus in What About Bob?... BABY STEPS.

Back in Business ... A Whole Day and a Half!

Well ladies and gentleman, I am back in business.  OK, that might sound a little strange and possibly inappropriate.  When I say I am back in business, I mean that I am back on track with all I need to be doing. I have been Gluten Free, Dairy Free AND Soda Free for a day and a half now. I know that doesn't seem like much but I am baby stepping my way back into this. Yesterday was a struggle as I found myself and my body cravings things I shouldn't have. The gluten and soda were easy in all honesty, but it was the dairy that I found myself having to find extra strength with. I wanted so badly to have some cheese or some yogurt, but I backed away and remained strong. This morning was a bit easier and by lunch I was selecting things without hesitation. Its only been a day and a half so I expect more struggles and temptations but for now I feel good. It also helps that I tossed out a bunch of stuff that my hubby and the girls wont miss that could potentially be a downfall for me.

Now that I am getting back into the swing of things and feeling pretty good my next step is to start being more conscious of the calories I eat. I totaled up yesterdays in take, and yes that included drinks and condiments, and I did pretty well. A little high for my set goal but not overkill. I have to take one thing at a time and I knew I couldn't sit and count calories while still trying to learn to eat so that I don't end up sick. Once I can get into for a week, then I can move to the next step. As I have said before, I am one of those people that if I get too overwhelmed it all just falls apart. Being able to admit that fact is an excellent step too. Being healthy isn't just about the physical, its about the mental as well.

Kale... My New Obsession

Kale has become my new obsession. Finally!  Something I can obsess over that is healthy and extremely good for you! Kale is a leafy green that is packed with great vitamins and minerals. For  little more information regarding Kale's health benefits Click Here.

As with all vegetables, what you get from it nutritionally depends on how you cook it. Luckily, you can saute' Kale and lose close to nothing when it comes to all the important stuff. That is how I
 have been cooking it lately and its amazing. All you need is some olive oil, your Kale of course, salt, pepper, red pepper flakes, and garlic. I chop up the Kale into smaller bite size pieces. As a note Trader Joe's has bagged Kale that has already been washed and cut into perfect size pieces. All of the ingredients are to taste so I do not have specific measurements. I combine everything in a pan and cook the Kale until it is a bright green. Just remember that when it comes to Red Pepper flakes, a little goes a long way.

This is a great for lunch time or dinner as a side or you can add more to it, like chicken or quinoa and make it an entree. I love Kale and hope to find some great recipes using this wonderful source of vitamins and minerals.

Where Did I Go?

Oh I have been terrible at blogging these few weeks. Its been pretty busy but mostly with fun and exciting things. I have cheated one too many times with the GF and DF diet, but I was relentlessly reminded why I cannot eat those things. My strength and will power has been better as of late and I hope to finally post that I have been more then a few days G and D free. Now I move forward!

PS for those who aren't familiar the abbreviations used above are as follows:
GF = Gluten Free
DF = Diary Free

Just A Little More Inspiration...

A Much Needed Re-Start. and Some Amazing Inspiration

Tomorrow I begin a re-start in my gluten free and dairy free diet. I have been off and on for a few weeks now and I am back to feeling just average to poor. It wont be easy and I am sure I will go through the usual "withdrawals" (ie craving cheese, sugar and my favorite breads) but I am excited to get past that and to feeling better. At this point its not even about the weight but the chance to feel wonderful and live a more fulfilling life. The weight loss will follow but its not my main focus anymore.

With this re-start I also feel a little more empowered as a woman, thanks to an actress that I love and admire. Recently Ashley Judd has been ripped apart by the media for her appearance in her new drama series Missing. Her so called "puffiness" and nearly flawless skin must be the result of cosmetic alteration and her "weight gain" should leave her cautious that her husband may just want to up and leave her for a younger and skinnier version. Generally quiet and unresponsive when it comes to media speculation, Ashley Judd spoke out about the recent comments and it struck a chord with me. Therefore, I would like to share it with all of you in hopes that it speaks to you and gives you the power to change the way you think of others and yourself. Its time that we reverse the damage that the media and Hollywood have done to men and women alike when it comes to self esteem and body image. As a culture, if we can change how we value people, we can take a step towards reversing the obesity epidemic and the large spectrum of eating and addiction disorders. Thank you to Ashley Judd for speaking out!

The Conversation about women’s bodies exists largely outside of us, while it is also directed at (and marketed to) us, and used to define and control us. The Conversation about women happens everywhere, publicly and privately. We are described and detailed, our faces and bodies analyzed and picked apart, our worth ascertained and ascribed based on the reduction of personhood to simple physical objectification. Our voices, our personhood, our potential, and our accomplishments are regularly minimized and muted.

As an actor and woman who, at times, avails herself of the media, I am painfully aware of the conversation about women’s bodies, and it frequently migrates to my own body. I know this, even though my personal practice is to ignore what is written about me. I do not, for example, read interviews I do with news outlets. I hold that it is none of my business what people think of me. I arrived at this belief after first, when I began working as an actor 18 years ago, reading everything. I evolved into selecting only the “good” pieces to read. Over time, I matured into the understanding that good and bad are equally fanciful interpretations. I do not want to give my power, my self-esteem, or my autonomy, to any person, place, or thing outside myself. I thus abstain from all media about myself. The only thing that matters is how I feel about myself, my personal integrity, and my relationship with my Creator. Of course, it’s wonderful to be held in esteem and fond regard by family, friends, and community, but a central part of my spiritual practice is letting go of otheration. And casting one’s lot with the public is dangerous and self-destructive, and I value myself too much to do that.

However, the recent speculation and accusations in March feel different, and my colleagues and friends encouraged me to know what was being said. Consequently, I choose to address it because the conversation was pointedly nasty, gendered, and misogynistic and embodies what all girls and women in our culture, to a greater or lesser degree, endure every day, in ways both outrageous and subtle. The assault on our body image, the hypersexualization of girls and women and subsequent degradation of our sexuality as we walk through the decades, and the general incessant objectification is what this conversation allegedly about my face is really about.

A brief analysis demonstrates that the following “conclusions” were all made on the exact same day, March 20, about the exact same woman (me), looking the exact same way, based on the exact same television appearance. The following examples are real, and come from a variety of (so-called!) legitimate news outlets (such as HuffPo, MSNBC, etc.), tabloid press, and social media:

One: When I am sick for more than a month and on medication (multiple rounds of steroids), the accusation is that because my face looks puffy, I have “clearly had work done,” with otherwise credible reporters with great bravo “identifying” precisely the procedures I allegedly have had done.

Two: When my skin is nearly flawless, and at age 43, I do not yet have visible wrinkles that can be seen on television, I have had “work done,” with media outlets bolstered by consulting with plastic surgeons I have never met who “conclude” what procedures I have “clearly” had. (Notice that this is a “back-handed compliment,” too—I look so good! It simply cannot possibly be real!)

Three: When my 2012 face looks different than it did when I filmed Double Jeopardy in 1998, I am accused of having “messed up” my face (polite language here, the F word is being used more often), with a passionate lament that “Ashley has lost her familiar beauty audiences loved her for.”

Four: When I have gained weight, going from my usual size two/four to a six/eight after a lazy six months of not exercising, and that weight gain shows in my face and arms, I am a “cow” and a “pig” and I “better watch out” because my husband “is looking for his second wife.” (Did you catch how this one engenders competition and fear between women? How it also suggests that my husband values me based only on my physical appearance? Classic sexism. We won’t even address how extraordinary it is that a size eight would be heckled as “fat.”)

Five: In perhaps the coup de grace, when I am acting in a dramatic scene in Missing—the plot stating I am emotionally distressed and have been awake and on the run for days—viewers remarks ranged from “What the f--k did she do to her face?” to cautionary gloating, “Ladies, look at the work!” Footage from “Missing” obviously dates prior to March, and the remarks about how I look while playing a character powerfully illustrate the contagious and vicious nature of the conversation. The accusations and lies, introduced to the public, now apply to me as a woman across space and time; to me as any woman and to me as every woman.

That women are joining in the ongoing disassembling of my appearance is salient. Patriarchy is not men. Patriarchy is a system in which both women and men participate. It privileges, inter alia, the interests of boys and men over the bodily integrity, autonomy, and dignity of girls and women. It is subtle, insidious, and never more dangerous than when women passionately deny that they themselves are engaging in it. This abnormal obsession with women’s faces and bodies has become so normal that we (I include myself at times—I absolutely fall for it still) have internalized patriarchy almost seamlessly. We are unable at times to identify ourselves as our own denigrating abusers, or as abusing other girls and women.

A case in point is that this conversation was initially promulgated largely by women; a sad and disturbing fact. (That they are professional friends of mine, and know my character and values, is an additional betrayal.)

News outlets with whom I do serious work, such as publishing op-eds about preventing HIV, empowering poor youth worldwide, and conflict mineral mining in Democratic Republic of Congo, all ran this “story” without checking with my office first for verification, or offering me the dignity of the opportunity to comment. It’s an indictment of them that they would even consider the content printable, and that they, too, without using time-honored journalistic standards, would perpetuate with un-edifying delight such blatantly gendered, ageist, and mean-spirited content.

I hope the sharing of my thoughts can generate a new conversation: Why was a puffy face cause for such a conversation in the first place? How, and why, did people participate? If not in the conversation about me, in parallel ones about women in your sphere? What is the gloating about? What is the condemnation about? What is the self-righteous alleged “all knowing” stance of the media about? How does this symbolize constraints on girls and women, and encroach on our right to be simply as we are, at any given moment? How can we as individuals in our private lives make adjustments that support us in shedding unconscious actions, internalized beliefs, and fears about our worthiness, that perpetuate such meanness? What can we do as families, as groups of friends? Is what girls and women can do different from what boys and men can do? What does this have to do with how women are treated in the workplace?

I ask especially how we can leverage strong female-to-female alliances to confront and change that there is no winning here as women. It doesn’t actually matter if we are aging naturally, or resorting to surgical assistance. We experience brutal criticism. The dialogue is constructed so that our bodies are a source of speculation, ridicule, and invalidation, as if they belong to others—and in my case, to the actual public. (I am also aware that inevitably some will comment that because I am a creative person, I have abdicated my right to a distinction between my public and private selves, an additional, albeit related, track of highly distorted thinking that will have to be addressed at another time).

If this conversation about me is going to be had, I will do my part to insist that it is a feminist one, because it has been misogynistic from the start. Who makes the fantastic leap from being sick, or gaining some weight over the winter, to a conclusion of plastic surgery? Our culture, that’s who. The insanity has to stop, because as focused on me as it appears to have been, it is about all girls and women. In fact, it’s about boys and men, too, who are equally objectified and ridiculed, according to heteronormative definitions of masculinity that deny the full and dynamic range of their personhood. It affects each and every one of us, in multiple and nefarious ways: our self-image, how we show up in our relationships and at work, our sense of our worth, value, and potential as human beings. Join in—and help change—the Conversation.

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